In couples counseling I used to feel like a coach at a wrestling match and have
even been tempted to buy a gym teacher’s whistle. But, now things are a bit calmer
with a few simple rules for couple’s therapy:
- * No yelling - which only serves to activate and sustain the presence of angry parts
- * No trashing one another (name-calling)
- * Use empathy – rather than judgment or criticism.
- * Nothing said in session can be used to hurt the other outside of session
Sometimes one – or both partners – have parts that are stuck in the past from trauma
or abuse. I generally work with those parts – either individually or in the presence
of the partner- depending on comfort levels. As traumatized parts are brought into
the present, we often meet some guarded parts. But as they realize the resources
of the present are much greater than those of the past, and get to know and trust
one’s “Self-state,” as well as the partner’s Self-state, an amazing shift often
occurs. Rather than having each person operate from cut off aspects of themselves,
they learn to operate more from the “Self” state – which is centered, objective,
balanced and aware of the parts; compassionate toward them, yet no longer willing
to allow them to be in control.
I also teach communication and conflict resolution skills and emphasize the importance
of mutual respect. We may explore Gary Chapin’s “Five Languages of Love,” (Northfield
Publishing, 2009) and have each partner identify their most important needs, and
discuss ways their love tanks are being – or could be - filled in the one or two
areas that would speak love most clearly in the language of their heart:
- * Acts of Service
- * Physical Touch
- * Words of Affirmation
- * Quality time
- * Gifts
Since people generally try to love others in the way they want to be loved, they
often become frustrated when their efforts are not received with the appreciation
hoped for; yet, there may be a real love-language barrier. Knowing the language
preference of one’s significant other can be very beneficial as well as knowing,
and communicating, one’s own love language preference.
The reasons for coming to couples counseling are numerous – ranging from feelings
of hopelessness about a marriage on the brink of divorce, one or both partners stuck
in patterns of intermittent rage., alcohol or drug problems, parenting challenges,
financial problems, infertility, affairs, and the list could probably fill another
page. I love the challenge and variety of couples counseling. For some, unfortunately,
the best answer is divorce or break up for those unmarried. But even this process
can be a lot less painful – in the long run - with counseling. When the channels
of communication are opened in a safe protective place it can be healing. Yet, I
have also witnessed several couples weather impossible situations with love becoming
stronger and sweeter after couples counseling.
I have extensive experience working with people of diverse backgrounds from various
population areas including Grand Rapids, Newaygo, Fremont, Mecosta County and Ottawa
County.
Please call 616-690-0652 or use our Contact form
to get started on a healthier happier you.